I keep telling myself; "think positive, think positive"..."it's never as dark as right before the sun is about to rise"... "it can't rain forever".. "jada jada jada."
What am I doing? Using old pricks phrases to feel better, it's just fucking feelgood lines wich you can find in thousands of books in thousands of 1$ sale stores. Or on any googled shabby homepage. No, what I need to do is to search within myself, to examine and ask the right questions. Let me see, how can I give me the answers I need?
I have to ask my heart! I actually had an inner conversation, enjoy the reading:
I sat silent a very long time and I tried to listen to my heart. It was not easy. For the most part it only spoke about the great longing that filled it, and the dreams it has about the harmony of love. My heart beat violently when it spoke of love and adventure that I soon will experience with her (whoever she is). It slowed down and burned when it spoke of my troubles and worries I have. But it was never quiet.
And then I began to speak:
-Why should I listen to you? You have dragged me down and you ask me to do impossible things.
-Because your heart is where you will find your answer.
-But you are restless. You are full of dreams, you become emotional and you fall in love with women without asking me. You ask me about things and you keep me awake till late at night when I think of all your demands.
-That is good! It proves that I am a living heart. Keep listening to what I say.
- But it seems as you have lost your faith. You do not want me to continue to be open and you are warning me of danger when Im thinking of love.
- Then it is as it should be. A vibrant heart can not fail to feel fear when it might have to risk everything it has achieved in exchange for something bigger.
-Then,... why should I even listen to you?
- Because you will never manage to silence me. And even if you pretend that you do not hear what I say I will always be there in your chest and tell you what you think about the world and life.
-So you want me to listen to you even if you have lost your faith and confidence?
- Faithless is what you'll be when you hear something that you are not prepared for. If you get to know your heart well, the I'll never be able to behave in that way. For then you will know what dreams and wishes I am carrying on and you will also be able to take care of them. Nobody can escape from his heart. It is therefore important that you pay attention to what I say. So you will never again be taken by surprise.
My heart told me that it becomes terrified to near death just thinking about a love that breaks down forever, or at moments that might be happy but that is unfortunate. It said that it is a heart in a human being and that people's hearts are like that. After that I let go of the fear.
-Why aren't you always demanding me to follow what you tell me to do?
- Because it is the heart which usually suffer most. And it does not like to suffer.
From that moment everything became clear to me and I found a new friend inside my chest. I prayed that it would sting in my chest and warn me when I began to pretend not to hear of what I think of the world, life and love. And I swore that I will always listen to and obey my heart.
So beware ya'll! :) Because I am going to do stuff that I should have done a long time ago and I have plenty of stuff on my to do list.
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