Thank you for beeing you!

Sisters, mothers, daughters, girlfriends, wifes... women. I am trying to figure you out. Somedays I think you are totally different from us men. Somedays you're the same. When it comes to love between a woman and a man, everything changes. You become totally different, permanent.

Some years ago, I learned how to distinguish between fact and fiction concerning love from a women and love from a man. Im going to simplify it.

A man wants his woman to look at him as her Hero.

A woman wants his man to look at her as his Guide.

The woman wants to help her man when she is trying to give him advise how to improve himself and to do things in a better way. But the man takes this as a failure as an Hero and he withdraws.

The man wants to help his woman when he is trying to solve her problems by giving her solutions and options. But the women takes this as he neither listens to her nor does he care about her feelings.

I've always thought that this knowledge would be of great importance for me. It hasn't, all it has given me is general understanding. The women and the men isn't that easy to analyse when feelings are included. The one and only thing on this planet that doesn't have any logical explanations or succesful scientific researchs is Love. Love is wicked!

I am very happy at the moment because my heart is beating for an unlogical cause. I don't feel afraid but when I stop and think deeper my fears becomes so clear, too clear. Im afraid to feel, to relax and trust my instincts, my heart, faith and life. When I realized that I had fear within me, I managed to get rid of it. I basicly told the Fear to fuck off. I could almost hear the rebellious lyrics from one of Rage against the machines songs "fuck you! I won't do what do what you tell me!"

Im a fearless person, nothing can come between me and my happiness. I am my own Hero. I love myself. I love life. Others love me. I love others. So why shouldn't I be able to trust Love?

Im going to enjoy this now, called hope.

I can act crazy and so I've done, but now I've got a new friend!

I keep telling myself; "think positive, think positive"..."it's never as dark as right before the sun is about to rise"... "it can't rain forever".. "jada jada jada."

What am I doing? Using old pricks phrases to feel better, it's just fucking feelgood lines wich you can find in thousands of books in thousands of 1$ sale stores. Or on any googled shabby homepage. No, what I need to do is to search within myself, to examine and ask the right questions. Let me see, how can I give me the answers I need?

I have to ask my heart! I actually had an inner conversation, enjoy the reading:

I sat silent a very long time and I tried to listen to my heart. It was not easy. For the most part it only spoke about the great longing that filled it, and the dreams it has about the harmony of love. My heart beat violently when it spoke of love and adventure that I soon will experience with her (whoever she is). It slowed down and burned when it spoke of my troubles and worries I have. But it was never quiet.

And then I began to speak:

-Why should I listen to you? You have dragged me down and you ask me to do impossible things.

-Because your heart is where you will find your answer.

-But you are restless. You are full of dreams, you become emotional and you fall in love with women without asking me. You ask me about things and you keep me awake till late at night when I think of all your demands.

-That is good! It proves that I am a living heart. Keep listening to what I say.

- But it seems as you have lost your faith. You do not want me to continue to be open and you are warning me of danger when Im thinking of love.

- Then it is as it should be. A vibrant heart can not fail to feel fear when it might have to risk everything it has achieved in exchange for something bigger.

-Then,... why should I even listen to you?

- Because you will never manage to silence me. And even if you pretend that you do not hear what I say I will always be there in your chest and tell you what you think about the world and life.

-So you want me to listen to you even if you have lost your faith and confidence?

- Faithless is what you'll be when you hear something that you are not prepared for. If you get to know your heart well, the I'll never be able to behave in that way. For then you will know what dreams and wishes I am carrying on and you will also be able to take care of them. Nobody can escape from his heart. It is therefore important that you pay attention to what I say. So you will never again be taken by surprise.

My heart told me that it becomes terrified to near death just thinking about a love that breaks down forever, or at moments that might be happy but that is unfortunate. It said that it is a heart in a human being and that people's hearts are like that. After that I let go of the fear.

-Why aren't you always demanding me to follow what you tell me to do?

- Because it is the heart which usually suffer most. And it does not like to suffer.

From that moment everything became clear to me and I found a new friend inside my chest. I prayed that it would sting in my chest and warn me when I began to pretend not to hear of what I think of the world, life and love. And I swore that I will always listen to and obey my heart.

So beware ya'll! :) Because I am going to do stuff that I should have done a long time ago and I have plenty of stuff on my to do list.

Love changes you and you change love

I have many thoughts passing through my head every day that I want to remember somehow and be able to look back at. One of my younger sisters inspired me to set up my own blog and start collecting all these thougts on a regular basis. And by broadcasting my brain on this site I might scare away some people, but on the otherhand, they who not realize that it's just my thoughts and feelings in words and not any actions, maybe need to face their fear of not beeing miss or mr almighty.

As my life and the world has spun, we've learned a lot of eachother. I do wish that I have had some kind of affect on someone, something. What is sure however is that this world (the people, the nature, the elements of life) gives me many lessons every day. Sometimes I learn something from them, sometimes Im too stubborn and the knowledge passes me by. Some lessons comes again and unfortunatly some of them will never return.

When we fall in love, real love, for the very first time we see the woman alternatively man of our dreams, even though, at that time, reason may be telling otherwise. And we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings. I can't express my gratitude in words that I got from learning this lesson. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change. At such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.

Luckely I found the strength and courage to change, to let my feelings dance together with my heart wich now is set free. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

A lot of people are trying to convince me that you love because you love, that there is no special reasons for loving someone. But I disagree.

I love my friends because I had a dream, because I stood on the top of a mountain, because I shared the same bread with people all around the world, because I never gave up, because I've been stranded on a deserted island, because I am me and that I one day was on the same place as them....